


The Troll Romcom

by JumpingJackFlash, VastDerp



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Black Romance, Ensemble Cast, Humor, Illustrated, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Red Romance, Trollstuck, image-heavy, just really a whole lot of ships wow, so many relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-10-18
Updated: 2013-07-22
Packaged: 2017-11-16 13:14:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 2,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/539813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JumpingJackFlash/pseuds/JumpingJackFlash, https://archiveofourown.org/users/VastDerp/pseuds/VastDerp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wherein a pair of moirails attempt to help each other fill missing quadrants, while hiding their blood colors for disparate reasons; the awkward relationships of juvenile trolls are parodied for comedic effect; three major characters wear sunglasses; featuring graphic depictions of pale relations; several flushed kisses; and one humorous decapitation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Palest Of The Pale

**Author's Note:**

> [ongoing at <http://trollromcom.tumblr.com/>! will be sporadically archived here whenever we remember. :)
> 
> we're aware that having the pesterlogs and dialoglogs as images makes this useless to the visually impaired, but the way ao3 handles text color is such a huge pain in the ass that if we waited til we had the time to do all those span tags we'd just never post it. someday, i promise.
> 
> words by jumpingjackflash, pictures by vastderp and jumpingjackflash.]

**\- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] -**

Your name is Daviad Stadyr, and you are the best moirail on Alternia or any other planet. You’re so perfectly pale for that nubby-horned wreck Vantas, you make other moirails look like sickle-bugs murderhumping their unfortunate partners. You take such incredibly good care of him that you have to be careful not to overflow the diamond box and fill up his other quadrants with awesome.  
  
Wait. Shit. What if that’s what happened?  
  
No, hang on, that’s stupid.

Anyway, your point is, you are the palest of the pale. You type in mutant red to distract attention from his colorless text. You wear your sign in black or white so he can get away with gray. Long before your eyes turned, you started wearing shades so he would look like he was copying you when he covered the red blooming in his irises. Every day when you go to sleep, you know tomorrow might be the night he bursts into your hive with culling drones on his tail, and you ask yourself if you’ll fight to the death so he can live a few more minutes.  
  
The answer is always yes.  
  
Hell fucking yes.  
  
Bottom line, whatever it takes to protect him, you’re going to do it. You just… don’t know what that is right now. Obviously some brainstorming needs to happen here. It’s time to get merciless about this.

You put on some thinking music. Something to shake up your thinksponge, maybe squeeze out a few drops of genius.


	2. A Towering Edifice Of Irrationality

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and your moirail is a fucking lunatic. You’re not sure what he keeps in his thinkpan, but you’re convinced it’s not the same stuff other trolls have in there. Granted, his blood is to blame for some of the crazy. But only some of it. Piling fresh crazy on top of that until he’s built a towering edifice of irrationality is like a hobby of his.  
  
How can you not pity someone that demented?

Strifing is one of your favorite things to do together. It helps him burn off some of the rage that’s always building up in his veins, and it’s excellent practice for you. Hopefully after a good hard fight you’ll both be able to settle down and give the problem some serious thought.

Daviad keeps giving you expensive weapons. There was a time when you were afraid to use them because you didn’t want them to get ruined. You know better now. When he manages to break one, he’s delighted to have an excuse to buy you another. Besides, he hardly ever gets the chance anymore. You’ve gotten pretty good.

Okay, so you’re not yet fully awesome with the CHAIN OF MISFORTUNES he gave you for your last wriggling day. Actually you still have a tendency to trip yourself with it. But that’s all the more reason to practice, and besides, Daviad could probably use a laugh.

You’re going to miss that crusty old fuckass when you go off-planet. You try not to wonder what’s going to happen to him. Will there be another red-blooded wiggler for him to raise? Will he be culled? Or will he simply scuttle off into the woods and be all alone for the rest of his crabby life? Maybe it’s better if you don’t know. It’s not like there’s anything you can do about it.  
  
Speaking of going off-planet… you really should’ve put more effort into filling your quadrants before now. Not just because you’ll be culled if you can’t put out for the drones. The alliances you make now will determine your place in adult life, and someone like you can use all the allies you can get. Also, quadrantmates hardly ever get split up, but mere friends mean nothing to the bureaucrats who decide your fate. If you don’t have quadrantmates you can count on, you’re going to be as alone as your lusus.  
  
Not that you need anybody. It would just… be boring, that’s all.

Where the hell is Daviad? You’re absolutely determined to get the drop on him this time, but damn, he is one stealthy motherfuckAAH SONOFABITCH NOT AGAIN.

**== > Strife!**

**THE PONCH RUSE WAS A... DISTACTION!**

**== > Chill.**


	3. Thinkpan Hurricane

**== > Brainstorm.**


	4. Missing The Point

This was supposed to be a brainstorm session, not a feelings jam, but who are you kidding. When you’re this pale, jams just happen. Sometimes in public.

**== > Daviad: Go home and troll Eridan Ampora.**

Easier said than done, dude. Looks like somebody wants attention.

Having pacified your lusus with his daily dose of violence and carrion, you’re able to get to your computer. Hey, it looks like someone’s been trolling you while you were gone.

By now you’ve forgotten what you were going to say to Ampora. And Zahhak’s name is pulling on your cursor like a magnet. It wouldn’t hurt to talk to him for just a minute or two…

Maybe someday you’ll be too busy to be tempted by that. _Busy being dead_. Until then, there’s no point even trying to resist.


	5. Lose The Towel

**== > Daviad: Level with your matesprit.**

As Zahhak’s butler lusus lets you into his hive, you remind yourself that you have to have a serious conversation before you can get rowdy. You owe it to him to sort this thing out. Not that you have any idea what the hell that entails.  
  
How do you reach someone who can’t face the world without wearing status and subservience like — fuck armor, it’s like a concrete bunker with him — and not destroy him in the process? If you didn’t pity him, of course, you could just refuse to play his games. But you suspect if you just suddenly drop the bullshit you’ll break his heart. It’s a fragile thing. He wouldn’t need all this play-acting if it wasn’t. And so there’s no easy way to let him know how much you wish you could just be natural with each other.  
  
You’d still order him around just as much. And he’d still get off on obeying. But it would be because your perfect arrogance makes him swoon, not because of some accident of birth. You wouldn’t have to worry about losing him to someone with blood a little richer than yours or a more inventive repertoire of dirty dom tricks. He would be yours for good.  
  
With this ideal future glowing in your mind, you are totally motivated to level with him. Even if it’s awkward.  
  
God, it’s going to be so awkward.

What was it you were going to talk to him about, now? You have absolutely no fucking clue. But hey, if it was important you wouldn’t have forgotten it, right?

**== > Aurthour: Buttle.**

Your name is Aurthour, and no one can beat you in a butler-off. You are simply the best there is. One of the skills of a great butler is knowing when to knock, when to breeze in silently, and when one’s presence is not required. Now is one of those latter times; the sounds coming from within are unmistakable.  
  
You have served the young master for nearly eight sweeps, during which you’ve watched him grow from an awkward toy-destroying grub to the fine specimen of noble trollhood he is today. While others his age scramble to complete their quadrants before it’s too late, your charge has satisfactorily filled all of his, and he’s even scored a highblood for a matesprit.   
  
A highblood who clearly dotes on him — just listen to that bossy little bloke ordering your dear boy around like a general on a battlefield. They’re a perfect match. It brings a tear of joy to your eye, it really does. Equius once confided in you that young Stadyr’s fondest dream is to command a star destroyer so that he can — in the highblood’s own words — “roll up on xeno civs all ‘how are you gentlemen’ before I get to conquering like a boss,” which is an admirably civilized approach to Empire, in your opinion. When you think of Equius standing proud behind such a troll’s command chair, your blood pusher swells STRONGLY in your muscular chest.  
  
But perhaps it’s not quite appropriate for you to stand here and listen. It sounds as if their play is shading from the militaristic to the affectionate. Best leave them to it.  
  
You just hope they don’t break another concupiscent couch. The garbage collection drones are starting to look at you funny.

_Because you’re beautiful like this. Because there’s nothing sexier in the galaxy than you looking used and soiled like a handful of wadded tissues._ You can’t say it. Physically can’t. _Because I pity you so much I can hardly breathe._

Did he just snark off at you? Or… did he forgive you? If so, what for, exactly? And was that a hoofbeast pun or not? Shit, you have no idea how to have a conversation with this guy and you never will. It’s hopeless. It’s hopeless and infuriating and if you weren’t so utterly, thoroughly, surpassingly _laid_ , it would drive you right up the fucking wall. Bad things happen when you get driven up the wall, but they’re not going to happen tonight. Because, thanks to this evasive, stuck-up douche, you can hardly _walk_ , let alone rampage.

He’s a living wall. His facade might as well be made of hullmetal for all you’re going to get through it with nothing but flesh and words. Forget it. Things are fine the way they are. Maybe once you’re all off-planet and he gets used to chains of command that are a little more merit-based, he’ll at least be willing to… call you by your name or something.

You can work this. By next week everyone’s going to be doing it.


	6. Boop.

**== > Jonnas: Answer Karkat.**

Your name is Jonnas Egbert, and you are the king of tricksters. The Original Prankster, one might say. Any minute now, your kismesis is going to troll you in a frothing fury, letting you know that he has discovered your latest nasty little joke.

Aaaany minute now.

**== > Jonnas: Come on, answer Karkat already.**

You will, just as soon as he trolls you.

Won’t be long now.

[ ](http://trollromcom.tumblr.com/image/26173103897)

Any minute.

Yep.

Waiting on you now, Vantas.

[ ](http://trollromcom.tumblr.com/image/26239056704)

Oh fer… FINALLY.

But that’s Vantas for you. Always finding new ways to annoy you.

**\- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] -**

He’s so cute when he’s angry.

That… actually kind of hurts. And he didn’t even notice you using precisely eight i’s in siiiiiiiigh, either, even though that usually at least merits a snarky comment. Did he seriously take those messages as a compliment? Isn’t that the opposite of what you’re supposed to be doing? It’s not your fault he’s so sexy! But… in retrospect maybe you should’ve used a picture of someone ugly. Damn it, why don’t you think these things through better?  
  
Oh shit. You’re losing him.

You’re a terrible kismesis. You try, you honestly do, but you’re just not cruel by nature. Why is it so hard to hate someone so awful? There are so many terrible things about him to hate. He’s bossy and superior, yet full of self-loathing. He puts immense amounts of effort into absolutely useless things, and gets nowhere. He’s a huge failface! It’s just…  
  
So _cute_.  
  
And besides, he doesn’t hate you properly either. His insults don’t sting, they’re just funny. He never pranks you back. And he won’t get physical. At all! He’s never even let you bite his cheek! It’s not fair! He doesn’t get to bitch about how your efforts aren’t enough when he’s making no effort whatsoever!  
  
For just a moment, you feel a wicked twist of real black in your guts. You type fast before it goes away.

Goddammit. And you thought that was pretty insulting, too. Maybe he doesn’t hate seadwellers as much as you do?  
  
Naw. That can’t be it. Everybody hates those jerks.

**== > Jonnas: Feel alone and unhated.**

But then… he just doesn’t care. He doesn’t even know why he should’ve cared. Not only is he not bothered, he doesn’t even realize it was intended to bother him. Oh god.

This is _terrible_.


	7. X33

**== > Nepeta: Answer Karkat.**

Your name is Nepeta Leijon, and you’re busy dealing with your moirail right now. He’s such a stuffy no-fun creep sometimes, but you do pity him an awful lot when he gets like this.

Funny, he’s never said anything like that before. Usually he just furrbids and furrbids. And after a few rounds of ‘you will’ ‘i wont’, you let him have his way. Unless it’s really, really impurrtant, in which case you hold out until he realizes how much you care, and then he’s the one who gives in.  
  
This… this is different. He doesn’t mean it, of course, but it’s a sign of the kind of panic he’s in.

Oh, damn it. Well, now you have no choice.

Aww, he’s such a grumpy kitty. You wonder what he wanted to talk to you about?

**== > Karkat: Talk to someone who isn't an idiot.**

Well, that rules out half your chumproll. And when you have eliminated the idiots, whoever remains, however insane, must be the smart ones. You pick the first lunatic who isn’t grayed out.

Life is waste and futility. You might as well go make yourself a sandwich.


	8. Cheap Shot, Shitsponge

**== > Karkat: Answer Sollux.**

Oh, spectacular. This is exactly what you needed right now. Today is the best day and you hope it never fucking ends.

Oops.

This is bad.  
  
This is _so bad_.   
  
Jonnas can never know.


	9. Dance For My Amusement

**== > Eridan: Add it up.**

Your name is Eridan Ampora, and unlike the rest of your somewhat estranged circle of acquaintances, you have better things to do than sit around polishing your bulge and waiting for someone to troll you. Having spent your childhood accumulating treasure, you now occupy yourself with investing it. This is far more work than it should be, since troll culture has a deep emotional need for tangible, physical coinage, unlike some of its subject races, whose currency is entirely electronic. But it’s all worth it to feel the cold heft of metal money.   
  
Or so you tell yourself.   
  
Actually it’s a huge pain in the ass.

You shouldn’t even bother answering this joker. If you get distracted from your accounting, the bank is totally going to close before you can get there. But you’ve heard… things… from your moirail. She’s got a hawk eye for trouble, a mind like a big bowl of corkscrews, and a brutal bitchslap, yet even she can’t keep Daviad Stadyr from killing his black prospects. Which is terrible, but _interesting_.  
  
Also, he’s been pointed out to you at parties, and he has a _fantastic_ ass.

Holy shit. Is someone actually approaching _you_ to fill a quadrant? He’s really coming on strong, too, like he just can’t hold it back anymore. How long has he been hating you from afar? That’s… that’s upright _romantic_.  
  
And yet.  
  
This is Stadyr the Black Widow you’re talking to. His blackflirting is invariably fatal. What makes you think you’d be the exception?

Who are you kidding? Of course you’re going to play his game. That kind of lethality is pretty much the pinnacle of sex appeal in a troll. Anyway, you can be pretty deadly yourself when you want to be.

Oh, it is _on_. You haven’t felt this way since Vriska used to do that inane hair-flipping drawling thing and say stuff like ‘weaky-weak’ as if she thought it was clever. It’s possible that Daviad Stadyr is an _even bigger bitch than Vriska_. You don’t know how you hooked him, but you’re damn sure going to do whatever it takes to reel him in.


	10. Celebratory

Too easy. You’d bet your favorite sword he’s going to sit there the rest of the night waiting for you. He may even stay up all day when you don’t show. Because of course you’re not going. He was every bit as desperate as you thought he’d be, and you’re not impressed.  
  
It’s kind of a shame. You’ve heard he’s a real douche, but apparently if you offer him a scrap of attention he turns all bright-eyed and eager-to-please. Dude is flipping quadrants with _himself_. That’s talent.

[ ](http://trollromcom.tumblr.com/image/31427254056)

Time for a little celebratory mixing.


	11. dude hey




End file.
